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10 Top One-liners to Make Your Day

 I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'