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101 Funny One-Liners That Are Certain to Lift Your Day

 



I bet you I could stop gambling.


A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.


So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".


I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.


So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".


I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.


Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.


You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right”. On the left side, there’s nothing right and on the right side, there’s nothing left.


Your boyfriend worked your vagina like Rocky worked that side of beef for 45 minutes. A little blood is well within reason.


This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.


My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence."


That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.


I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.


If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.


I got spotted in Greggs the bakers. The girl went: ‘We never get anyone off the telly in here.’ Which was a lie. Half of f*****g Fat Club were by the pasties.


I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.


Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.


I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."


Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!


I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.


Never trust atoms; they make up everything.


Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.


Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?


I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’


Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.


One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.


If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.


I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.


Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.


I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?


I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine


Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!


I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents -- 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years -- what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'


I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.


Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.


When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.


When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.


I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.


Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.


I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, "Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money."


My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."


The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.


Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.


I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.


I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.


I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.


I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you're saying: "Hope I don't get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers."


Blunt pencils are really pointless.


You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.


If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'


"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.


I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.


If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.


My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.


I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.


I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.


I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.


Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.


When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.


Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.


I don't think it's fair -- you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'


His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.


I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off! Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.


[as George W. Bush] I will tame evil, I will get the evil ones, We must find the evil ones. We must get evil, we must laminate evil, we must wear it round our necks, at the backstage party in paradise!

At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.


It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.


I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram.


Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!


A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.


I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.


My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’


I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.


Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the f*** out of everybody!


They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.


I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.


I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.


One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."


I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.


I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.


There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?


Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?


I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.


Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.


[about her half-black boyfriend] I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.


Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.


On bad chat up lines: Stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, Get in the van.


I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.


Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.


Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’


As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...


Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.


Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.


You’re never too old to learn something stupid.


I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.


It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.


My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you -- I hope she meets somebody nice.


I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’


I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.


When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.


My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.